20 Things Grandmothers Say That Always Get A Laugh

Welcome back to Comics Hut. Every family has a collection of phrases that belong entirely to one grandmother. They get repeated at every gathering, quoted at weddings, and eventually passed down like furniture.

The Phrases That Outlive Us All

A grandmother rarely realises she is being funny. She is simply saying the thing she has always said, in the way she has always said it. Thirty years later the whole family can recite it word for word.

Here are twenty of those sayings — the kind that get repeated long after the person who coined them has stopped needing to explain herself.

#1.

You are not going out dressed like that. Said regardless of the outfit, the weather, or your age.

#2.

I am not asleep. I am resting my eyes. There is an important difference and she will explain it.

#3.

Who was that on the telephone? Asked before the receiver has been replaced.

#4.

I will just have a small piece. She has said this about every cake since 1968.

#5.

Put a coat on. She is cold, therefore you are cold. The logic is not open to appeal.

#6.

That is far too dear. Applied to anything purchased after roughly 1990.

#7.

I do not want a fuss. She wants a modest amount of fuss, correctly executed.

#8.

Are you eating properly? Asked while already reheating something for you.

What makes these endure is that they are never really about what they appear to be about. Put a coat on means I worry about you. Are you eating properly means I still want to look after you.

#9.

In my day we made do. Delivered with a look that ends most complaints instantly.

#10.

It will keep. Said of food that has been in the fridge for a period nobody can verify.

#11.

You have lost weight. Said whether or not you have, as a prelude to feeding you.

#12.

I only came in for one thing. She returns with a full bag and no memory of the one thing.

#13.

That is not how you do it. Followed by doing it correctly in half the time.

#14.

I am not being funny, but. She is about to be extremely direct.

#15.

Never mind. Said in a tone that guarantees you will mind for several days.

#16.

While you are up. The four most expensive words in the English language.

#17.

It was different then. A complete argument requiring no supporting evidence whatsoever.

#18.

I have got a cupboard full. She has. It is remarkable. Nobody knows how.

#19.

Do not go to any trouble. Said to someone who has already gone to a great deal of trouble.

#20.

You will understand when you are older. Infuriating at twelve. Entirely correct at forty.

Write your grandmother’s phrases down while you can still hear her saying them. They turn out to be the parts you miss most. More at Comics Hut.